#also not to be weird but I did not realise how thin Ringo was.

[socks10858]

[looselucy]

February

I got out of the flat before Harry came out of his room. I was trying to process how I was feeling, more than anything. Myself and Harry had put an end to things before anything even started, in the hopes of avoiding either of us feeling as down as I was doing after seeing that girl come out of his room. I didn’t even imagine I would feel the way I was, so beat, so disheartened.

It was so stupid, that I was even feeling that way. Only a month before, I had hated his guts. On top of that, I had been more than happy to say we wouldn’t go near each other in that way again. It was ridiculous to try and make sense of why I was feeling the way I was. I kind of wanted the ground to just swallow me. I had eaten the scrambled-eggs that Zayn made the two of us and then made some excuse to get out of there without trying to let on that seeing her had gotten to me. Not that he had any reason to catch onto that. Why would he expect anything? Of course I hadn’t left quite soon enough. Not before Zayn had told me all about their evening out; about them pulling girls, about him and Louis and Harry kissing a good number of people, and him being the only one of them who went home alone. Fucking fantastic. I couldn’t get out of there soon enough. I had found myself in a small cafe in the centre of town, the one I had visited with Ed the day after my mum broke the news of hers and my father’s soon to be divorce, and I had text the one person who I felt like I could actually talk to without there being serious repercussions. A weird meeting, but I have to say, I kind of warmed a little bit when I saw her walk into the cafe, with the biggest smile you had ever seen, ten times prettier than I remembered. “Hey, Ronnie!” I grinned, getting to my feet. She was ridiculously warm, everything about her. She practically bounced over to me, giving me a giant kiss on the cheek before wrapping her arms around me, like we had been friends for years, like she had missed me desperately. I was sure she had long hair the last time I saw her, but I could have been wrong, considering how drunk I was. But when she walked in that day, her hair was close to completely gone, shaved thin on the top of her head, a yellowy-blonde that suited her dark skin beautifully. Bright red lips that had probably left a nice mark on my cheek, but who cared when it was her? I barely knew the girl and I figured anyone would welcome a kiss from her. “Hey, sweetie!” She called, mid-cuddle. “How’ve you been?” “Good. Yeah, I’m okay. You?” I said as we pulled away. “Amazing. I’m gunna get a coffee and probably something else that will make me fat. You want something? They do the best brownies here.” “I’m okay, thank you. I don’t have much of an appetite.” She shrugged, silently telling me I was missing out, and then swanned over to the counter, drawing in eyes as she did. I sat myself down, pulling my phone out of my bag to see another text from Ed. Ed: Ringo is incredible! That piece... I am in awe. Me: Right? Just felt like I needed another opinion though, since I’m no musician, but isn’t she brilliant? Ed: Ridiculously so. I gave her a few tips but there wasn’t much I could say. I’ve asked her to work with me on a song I’ve had in my head and she said yes! Me: That’s so cool! You should do a gig together. Ed: That’s definitely on the cards! Before I could reply, the chair across from me scraped loudly as Ronnie sat herself down, two brownies and one cup of coffee up, tearing into the brownie as soon as she was seated, then pushing the second over to me. “Honestly, I’m oka-” “You look like you’ve been hit by a train, babe. I’ve never seen someone who looks more in need of chocolate than you do right now. Also, it’s Valentine’s Day, and we’re sat here together. Unless you’re a lesbian. Oh shit. Are you a lesbian? Is this a date?” “No!” I laughed. “Not a lesbian. Definitely not a date.” “Oh. Well that’s a relief. I would have felt like a horrible person turning you down. ANYWAY, tell me, what’s wrong?” I sunk into my chair a little, shaking my head, still kind of laughing about the lesbian debacle, which reminded me so much of the vegetarian chaos that had happened between me and Ben. “Am I that obvious?” I cringed. “Yeah.” “I hate that.” “So... Go on...” She smiled. It should have felt stranger than it did. She was a third-party, and that was helpful, but at the same time, I didn’t even know her, not really, and I was about to tell her something I didn’t feel comfortable telling anyone else. She felt trustworthy. She felt kind. And I figured this was the beginning of a friendship, why not start that by showing her that I did trust her? “I live with this guy,” I sighed. “And we didn’t get on at first, but then over reading week I stayed at his, because I had nowhere else to go. So we kind of like... kissed, and some other stuff. Then we both decided not to let anything like that happen again, which was all good. We both wanted that. But... this morning, I saw some girl walk out of his bedroom, doing the walk of shame... and it just hit me, y’know? It’s just really got to me. I just can’t figure out why.” She took a steady sip of her coffee, kind of nodding, taking in the bits and bats of information I had given her. I couldn’t have possibly told her the whole tale of myself and Harry. We would have been there for days. “Do you like him?” She asked me straight off. I had been expecting the question, but at the same time I scoffed it off, like it was completely ridiculous. “No.” I scowled. “Not as anything more than a friend.” “So, nothing has happened between you since you came back?” She didn’t seem like she believed it. “No. Well, we sleep together. In the simplest sense.” “He stays in your bed?” “Or-or I stay in his.” I mumbled. She nodded, having one more sip of her coffee as I did the same, kind of nervous about the analysis she was about to give me. She didn’t come across like the type of girl who would pussyfoot and tiptoe around a topic. “Okay. So here’s what I think.” She sat upright. “I think you’re over-complicating things for one. We’re females, and as much as we like to deny it, we get attached to people. Even if it is just a one-night stand, or a night of someone holding you, or anything like that… We hold the person who we shared that with a little bit dearer than we care to admit. I don’t think you’re like... in love with this guy, or anything. I just think you have that attachment. The jealousy bug always bites hard, with that kind of thing. I’m friends with this guy, back home, and sometimes when we’re drunk, he ends up back at mine and we cuddle until we fall asleep. It doesn’t mean anything, he’s just a friend, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get jealous when I see him with girls on a night out. Know what I mean?” A felt a weight lift from my shoulders. I kept thinking what if I did have feelings for him? How awkward things would be when I lived with him next year? If he could fuck some girl less than a week after being with me, how many people would I have to see him with whilst we lived together? I didn’t want to feel that way every single time. Her explanation made sense. Because I definitely didn’t still have feelings for Louis, not even close, but I didn’t want to hear about him kissing other people. It just came naturally, for a lot of girls, to feel jealous, to feel like it was something personal. I fell into that category girls. “You think?” I bleated. “Yeah. Don’t worry about it too much.” She mulled. “All I would recommend is that you stop sharing a bed with him. If you stop that, then it’ll be easier for you when you see him with other girls. It’s no biggy.” I nodded, completely agreeing with her, because I hadn’t even realised mine and Harry’s late night cuddles would result in me feeling as attached to him as I did. Of course that needed to stop. I quickly perked up from nowhere, slightly panicked. “Please don’t tell anyone!” I yelped. “Who would I tell?” She laughed it off. “No, I’m being serious! No one in my flat or any of my friends even know what happened between us, because they would make such a big deal out of it. I just... I need to keep it that way.” “I promise.” She cooed. She moved her hand across the table, and forced the plate with the brownie on that little bit closer to me. She was right. I bloody needed chocolate. “Thank you.” I heaved quietly. “If you’re not going to get any dick on Valentine’s Day,” She nodded. “Then you definitely need chocolate.” + + + Myself and Tally were in the showers next to each other again, and once again, Tally was going home for the weekend. We had been in there for quite a while, and it had been relatively quiet, to say we usually spent the entire time chatting. Things were weird, especially since my run in with her now ex-boyfriend. I hadn’t even told her about the house yet. Maybe it was time. It was definitely time. “I didn’t thank you.” She gulped out of nowhere. “For what you did with Jay, the other day.” “Don’t mention it.” I said, rinsing through my hair. “I can’t even imagine how impossible it would have been for you to do something.” “I know. I do appreciate you taking the step I couldn’t.” She passed over the shower-gel she had bought a couple of days before, having promised to let me try it, with the guarantee it wouldn’t make my nipples tingle. “Thanks.” I grabbed hold of the bottle. “It’s just scary isn’t it, how people can fall into that kinda thing?” “I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I imagine my case was pretty tame, too. It’s scary.” I mumbled my agreement, and then we went back to being quiet. I wanted to tell her about how I would be living with Zayn and Harry the next year, but I didn’t know how to begin, how to break it to her. I thought maybe it would be best to be blunt. “I-I know where I’m living next year.” She didn’t say anything. The water was louder than it had ever been before. It sounded like a torrential downpour. I almost half expected to hear a crash of lighting, to see the bolt of light. I stood still, just looking down, waiting for her to say something. I was sure it got colder in there. “Oh.” She said numbly. “Yeah...” Back to silence. I started moving again, using the gel she had given me and squeezing it onto my sponge, before washing myself, waiting for her to say something. I wasn’t like she hadn’t caught on, she knew what was happening. “With who?” She asked hesitantly. “With Harry and Zayn.” “Oh. Wow... You really are good friends now, huh?” I caught as much water as I could in my cupped hands before slapping it over my face, then looking up to the bright lights in the ceiling above us. “I guess so.” I uttered. “Pip, I don’t want you to think-” Tally was cut short by the noise of the door opening. “UMM WE’RE IN HERE!” “OH SHIT!” We heard Mike cry. “SORRY, LADIES!” We were left alone again, like it wasn’t awkward enough, and then within seconds I heard Tally turn her shower off and get out. I followed as swiftly as I could, grabbing the gel she had let me borrow to give back to her once I was out. She was stood waiting for me, arms folded. “I don’t want you to feel badly.” She told me as I wrapped my towel tight around my body. “I know we’re friends, but we’re not best friends, are we? I didn’t think we’d live together next year, to be honest. I just... I didn’t think you’d live with Harry either.” I was reminded of one of the reasons I liked Tally. She would sigh, and roll her eyes, and not shy away when she didn’t like something. But she wasn’t like me, she wouldn’t protest, or throw a strop, she would just accept it. It was an admirable characteristic of hers, one I hadn’t seen in many people. It clearly wasn’t the best news she had ever had, but she knew that her being upset or angered about it, wouldn’t get her anywhere. Nobody could accept a situation for how it was quite as easily as Tally could. Even when she hated it. “I just didn’t know how to tell you.” I felt like I was going to cry, for some reason. “Don’t worry about me!” She assured. “There are some girls on my course who asked me to look with them anyway. Just don’t bullshit me, woman.” “I’m sorry!” “Don’t be, it’s fine. We’re always gunna be fine, me and you. You’re the first friend I made here! My mum told me those are the friendships that last.” She smiled kindly. I giggled down to the floor, feeling a little cold now, ready for an interesting Friday night spent revising and oversleeping. “My mum told me the same thing.” I revealed. She wasn’t my best friend, but she was a good friend, and had been since day one. We were similar, we had similar interests and traits. I might not be living with her, but I couldn’t imagine us growing further apart. + + + I lay revising on Zayn’s bed as he sat sketching at his desk. He had told me that Harry had gone for a run earlier, and he hadn’t seen him since. I was glad I hadn’t bumped into him quite yet. I felt better after my chat with Ronnie, but I still wasn’t too sure how I would actually react when I was in his company again, and I definitely wasn’t eager to find out. I flicked a page, enjoying the soothing sounds of The Beatles, always liking the fact that me and Zayn could sit in silence like that, with him doing his work and me doing mine. Neither of us were the type of people who liked being on our own. I put it down to growing up with siblings. His phone pinged again, like it had been doing all evening. “That a girl?” I cocked my brows and kicked his back from my position on his bed. “I wish.” He grinned. “It’ Louis. Gunna go round to his in a bit. Friday night weed treat. You got any plans?” “To go to bed.” “Exciting.” He turned around with a fake grin on his mouth. “You’re telling me!” He shook his head and then went back to his picture. I glanced over his shoulder, and it seemed like he was sketching a girl, her naked body with marks and art all over her skin, like tattoos. She had a cracking pair of tits on her, too. I went back to reading for a while, close to nodding off, really. Zayn had fairy lights attached to his roof, completely ignoring the fire meeting we had in our first week at university, when they told us that was one of the top things not to do. Then thanks to the music, and how relaxed we were, and then reading, I credit myself for not falling asleep there and then. “Hey, I was thinking.” Zayn prompted. “Are you gunna invite Grace for yours and Harry’s birthday do?” “I didn’t even think! I should, shouldn’t I?” “Definitely! I miss that girl.” “Me too! I’ll invite her.” I checked the time. “Okay. I’m gunna scoot back to my room. Have fun with Louis tonight. And be safe.” “Of course.” I gave him a kiss on the top of his head before I moseyed back to my own room, my book still in hand, but I definitely wasn’t in the mood to carry on revising. It would probably be a decision I regretted when my exam came around, but in that moment, I felt I had done enough reading for one evening. After a quick visit to the bathrooms to brush my teeth, I head back towards my room, knowing that I would probably end up watching a Disney film, because how else was I supposed to spend my Friday nights, being an 18 year old student? But as soon as I was sat down on my bed, something took my from my plans. There was a knocking on my wall. Three gentle knocks. I stared at the concrete with little to no breathing, my hands shaking straight away, surprised when he knocked again within a matter of seconds. I wanted to, but I couldn’t ignore him. He obviously knew I was in there, and he obviously wanted me for something. I also couldn’t ignore him because then he would know something was wrong, and he would start acting with me the way he did with Tally, and I couldn’t think of anything worse. I’d rather pretend everything was fine that lose him altogether. He knocked again. Before leaving my room, I checked my appearance in the mirror, slightly disappointed with myself entirely, but I would have to do. I lived with him, for god sake. He had definitely seen me worse. I opened my door and poked my head out, knowing Ringo and Zayn were in, but that was it, yet I really didn’t want to be seen sneaking into Harry’s room like we had something to hide. I rushed from my room to the next, feeling nervous as soon as I was in Harry’s room, closing the door gently behind myself. “Hey!” He beamed happily. I turned around, to see him sat sideways on the single bed, legs dangling off the edge, his body propped up against the wall, with his Fleetwood Mac poster above his head. “Evening.” I greeted. He had photographs in his hand, which he then held out for me excitedly, ushering me to go and take a closer look. Without saying anything, I moved his way, my heart in my throat though I was trying to act like I didn’t have a heart at all, because it was the last thing I needed was Harry to see, since it had been such a wreck all day. I sat down next to him, with a little more distance than I would have done the evening before, and gently took the pictures from his hand. My eyes went wide. “S’you.” Harry nodded quietly. They were the pictures he had taken in his home, with the galaxy he painted on my back, against the wall in their hallway in the middle of the night. I scanned through them, trying to look past the fact that it was me I was looking at, and just enjoy the photos for what they were. “It is.” I shivered. “That’s my favourite.” Harry said as I reached the last one It was the last one he had taken that evening. I was practically facing the camera, my eyes catching the lens, my mouth slightly dropped. I looked seriously intense, like I actually knew what I was doing, staring down that lens like I was completely in charge. “I look weird.” I cringed. “You look fucking brilliant.” Harry contended. “So much so, I got a first.” “You did?” I turned to face him with glee in my voice. “Yeah! So, thank you.” “That’s not down to me. They’re your photos.” “Yeah but, without you it’s just a wall, isn’t it?” I gulped hard, and I noticed the pictures had begun shaking in my hands. I realised then, that I was one of those people who needed time to get over things. I had been ignoring the whole thing with my parents, because I still wasn’t over it. Then, on top of that, I was still reeling in the way Harry had touched me, and the thought of him doing that with someone else. I hadn’t had enough time to process any of it yet. “Well, I better go.” I said as I raised to my feet. “You got plans?” He asked me, a sad little look on his face. “Umm, no.” I mumbled, looking down to him. “Well... Stay. Watch a film or something.” “I’m pretty tired.” His brows dropped, and he looked me up and down as I started backing out of the room, shrugging my shoulders, smiling awkwardly. “Have I done something wrong?” He quizzed. I wanted to say yes, but in the grand scheme of it all, Harry had done absolutely nothing wrong, whether it had gotten to me or not. Seeing the sad look that laced his features was genuinely making me feel worse. “No,” I sighed. “You haven’t done anything wrong.” “Okay... well... I’ve been wanting to watch Monsters Inc all day, so are you gunna join me or what?” I couldn’t think of a good enough reason to say no. I also figured it was best to take this head on. I wasn’t going to avoid him forever, over something so seemingly mundane. I would have to get over it, because it certainly wouldn’t be the last time I saw something like that. “Okay.” I sputtered. “I can’t say no to Monsters Inc.” “I know you can’t.” He grinned, getting up to his feet. “You want a brew?” “Okay.” “Okay...” I could tell Harry was getting confused by the way I was acting around him. “Well… you set everything up then.” He stared at me, confused, but didn’t say anything as he walked out of his room to prepare our drinks, whereas I began to search through the DVD collection on the shelf above the tele on his wall. A fine collection, to say the least, and they were just the ones he had brought to uni with him. The one in his actual home was even more impressive. When Harry was back in his room, he was once again giving me the most bizarre look, a giant mug in each hand. “What are you doing?” He baffled. “What?” “We’re having cuddles. We always have cuddles.” I was sat upright on his bed, like he had been when I first walked in. I hadn’t really been considering cuddles. “I also thought we decided not to do that.” I tried. “When?” He placed the mugs on the floor. “Monday night, when you crawled into bed with me. We said that would be the last time.” “Well... it wasn’t, was it?” “No, but... maybe it should have been.” He sat next to me, still staring at me like he thought I was going completely mad. Once again, I was doing a terrible job of hiding how I actually felt, despite my efforts. “Why are you acting so weird?” He choked. “I’m not!” “Then cuddle me!” He demanded. There was no point arguing with the little fucker. If Harry Styles was anything, he was persistent. He liked to get his own way. A blatant only child. As quickly as I could, I lay down, not wanting to get under the sheets because that would have been the only thing that made things worse for me. But as soon as we were lay together, as soon as I could feel his breath on the back of my neck, Monsters Inc on, Harry’s arm slowly snaking around my waist when he tucked me back so I was closer to him, I realised I was more than happy to be there. I liked being there. Ronnie’s words played over in my mind. I knew I shouldn’t have been doing it, it couldn’t have really been helping. But at the time I felt better, and that was enough. However, I still wasn’t quite being myself. It was time to try. “How was last night?” I decided to ask, for some reason. “Alright. It was... weird.” I had a feeling I was about to hear more than I wanted to, but I couldn’t cut the conversation there. On top of that, I was slightly intrigued, the nosy part of me getting the upper-hand. “Why was it weird?” “Oh god… I can’t.” He flopped onto his back and covered his face with his giant hands, laughing and cringing and writhing and shaking his head. I turned so my back was to the tele and I could look at him properly, giggling before I even knew what he was talking about. “What?” I poked at his cheek, feeling like I had kept my hands to myself for long enough. “I can’t tell you!” “Well you have to now!” I pulled his hands off his face, so he twisted his neck to he was facing the wall, laughing at himself, unable to look at me. I dragged at his cheek so he was looking at me again, keeping my palm flat against his skin even when he was looking back into my eyes. “Okay.” He cleared his throat after a while, so I moved my hand. “So we were with some girls last night, and then I ended up bringing this one girl back here and... Oh god...” “You fucked her?” “Umm... Well, I would have... if I could... have.” I was obviously feeling pretty slow that day, because I did not catch on. I did not understand where he was coming from. That definitely made it worse for Harry, too. He did not want to say it out loud. “What?” I wondered. “I... For fuck sake, Pip-Squeak. I couldn’t get hard, alright?” I slapped my hand over my mouth, a mixture of being completely confused and dumbfounded by what he had just told me, amused, and also, kind of relieved. “Are you serious?” I gawped. “I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life.” He laughed. I didn’t want to laugh in his face, but I couldn’t help it. The best part was, he didn’t seem to care too much. He wasn’t upset by it, or anything, so of course he laughed along with me, and of course he did that at the same time as trying to push me off the bed. “I can’t believe you couldn’t get hard!” I howled. “Stop laughing at my misery!” Harry pulled me in to him when I began falling off the bed, not letting that happen, pulling me close to him again as I threw my head back, still laughing at him as his laughter died down. It was so funny to me. Not just because I was relieved, but because of the type of boy Harry was, and how I knew it would have hurt his pride. I kind of liked that. I also liked that he’d been comfortable enough to tell me in the first place. I was trying to know where we stood, and he was helping me to do that. He was helping remind me that we were just friends. His hands found their way into the back of my messy hair as he watched me with the smallest smile on his face as my laughter began to slowly calm, his other hand on the bottom of my back, and I could feel him pulling me in, I could feel the front of my body beginning to press into him. As soon as I looked back up to him, he pressed his lips against mine, like it was the most natural instinct he had, his fingers gripping my head, possessive, perilous. I pulled away almost immediately, even though I didn’t really want to. “What are doing?” I whispered desperately. “What I want.” He grunted, moving back in. His tongue was inside my mouth, and I was moaning against the plump feeling of his ridiculously tempting lips before I could even consider saying no to him. I had barely gotten a chance to breathe, to inhale the mere idea of having him on me again, and there he was, his tongue against mine, his hips thrusting up to mine and his fingers gripping onto me so tightly he could have been bruising me with his print. The idea of us, and what we meant to one another, became hazy once more. “You can’t always do what you want.” I panted once he took his lips to my jaw. ”But I want you.” He groaned, moving so he was on top of me, in between my legs, grinding into me. “You make me hard. You don’t even fucking try. Fuck…” He moved and kissed at my neck. My back arched off the bed as both his hands tightened to my waist, kissing and nibbling up to my ear, panting and groaning. He was there in the moment, so caught up in me. Harry was an expert at making me feel wanted, making me feel desired. “We can’t keep doing this.” I whined up to the roof. “This is the last time, Pip.” He bit at my earlobe. “I just need you now.” “We didn’t even last a week.” I grinned through the pleasure. “Well I’m still stuck on you.” The sound of a door opening in the corridor brought us to an abrupt halt, Harry hovering his lips a mere inch from mine, both of us panting as quietly as we physically could as Zayn let himself out of our halls to go and get high with Louis. “Fuck.” I gasped as the front door shut. I then leaned in and bit at his bottom lip slowly, keeping my eyes on his the entire time as I pulled the skin away from his face, ignoring all my instincts, ignoring every sensible part of my mind, and just being there in the moment, and admitting how much I had craved him since Sunday evening. “The fact that this is a secret makes it so much harder to stay away from you.” He groaned once his lip was free. “Like it’s… taboo.” He was right. Part of the reason we were doing that was because it was hot doing it, it was mischievous and sneaky and it was almost like it was wrong. It just made the whole idea of us being like this so much more appealing. We repeated what had happened in his home. Harry used his hands and kissed me until my lips were inflated, but that was it. We somehow managed to keep it at that. I hadn’t even touched Harry’s swollen member other than through his tight jeans. But it didn’t matter, Harry seemed satisfied enough with leaving me wet and reeling. He didn’t even hint at the fact he wanted me to return the favour, unlike most boys I’d been with. I figured he was a giver, which made his appeal all the more enticing. It was taboo. It was a secret. But most importantly, it was ours. That made it almost impossible to leave behind.